From The Military Helpline Comes Hope

It was a relaxed Friday afternoon. The week was winding down and I was getting excited for the weekend. Suddenly, my phone rang and it was a Military Helpline call.

“Thank you for calling the Lifeline, my name is Josh.” I said. The person on the other end responded quietly and unhurried: “I want to kill myself”.

The caller was an older gentleman dealing with a strong desire to end his life. To connect with him, I listened to his reasons for dying that included severe depression and unreconciled grief. The caller had no money due to being unemployed for over a year and was constantly criticized for it by his wife. I reflected back to the caller his feelings of worthlessness, frustration, and despair.

The caller shared how his father told him to never quit, but he did not see a way out other than suicide. So I asked him if he had a plan to kill himself. The caller did have a plan and that was to shoot himself. I asked if he had access to a firearm. He said that he was outdoors with a firearm but would not disclose his location.

From being in the service, I know how veterans like their firearms. So I asked the caller what kind of firearm he had, and he responded that it was a .45. After having a cheery talk about guns, I asked the caller to unload his .45 because I was concerned for his safety. He agreed and I could hear the .45 being cleared over the phone, a sound unmistakable after spending 6 years in the infantry.

I congratulated the caller for unloading his weapon and making the first step to staying safe. I told him the next step would be contacting a counselor. The caller agreed to leave the weapon unloaded and the ammunition in a different location and to contact the local counseling agency I had referred. The caller expressed his gratitude to me for listening to his pain and helping him make the decision to continue living another day.

This is just one story of many of the high risk calls we receive on the Military Helpline and National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The staff and volunteers of Oregon Partnership are real life superheroes who save lives every day.

- Josh

Surviors of Suicide Day

National Survivors of Suicide day is Saturday, November 20, 2010. This is a day of healing for survivors of suicide loss; it is an opportunity for survivors to ask the questions: “Why did this happen?” “How do I cope?”

For some individuals, every day may be a day of surviving a suicide loss. This is the case in my family…over 20 years ago my husband killed himself, leaving behind three beautiful sons, a widow, and a former wife. As the widow, I shouldered a great deal of the disaster left in the wake of his death. However, I had no exclusive claim to the grief and sadness which we all struggled with.

Grief is such an individualized emotion…everyone experiences it in a unique manner. The sadness and loss that my family struggled with led us to a unique solution. My husband’s first wife, M., and I decided that we would raise our boys together. To put it another way, we would remain a family unit. Thankfully, we lived two blocks apart…the boys would go back and forth between their moms’ homes with ease. All birthdays, holidays and vacations were spent together. Laughs and tears were shared as well.

As single moms, M. and I would constantly commiserate. One day I’d be on the phone with her pleading with her to take my son for an overnight…no problem. The next time it would be her turn. They were driving her crazy…could I take the boys for the weekend? Absolutely.

Has this solution paid off for all concerned? You be the judge…my oldest stepson and his wife recently had a beautiful baby boy. Last week M. and I flew to San Francisco to be a part of his baptism…we shared a lovely hotel room together. All our sons were present. When M. and I arrived at the house there was great excitement that “the moms are here”.

During the service there was a reading of important people who were deceased. My husband’s name was read. Did this impact me? Of course…but any tears that were shed by me that day were for the beauty and optimism inherent in welcoming this little person to the world.

There is life after suicide.

-Leslie

It gets better

Bullied? The President says \"It gets better\"

Change in the Season – Recognizing Seasonal Affective Disorder

The air is crisper, the night comes earlier, the World Series is in full swing, and before we know it we fall back into Standard time. The change of the season brings fall colors, Halloween, comfort food dinners, and a fire in the fireplace.

The change of season can also bring depression, isolation and “the blues”.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, commonly called SAD, tends to occur during late fall and winter months. However, most people with the “winter blahs” or “cabin fever” do not have SAD. For many people symptoms of seasonal affective disorder include tiredness, fatigue, depression, crying spells, irritability, trouble concentrating, body aches, loss of sex drive, poor sleep, decreased activity level, and overeating. Statistics on seasonal affective disorder in the United States include that this disorder occurs in about 5% of adults, with up to 20% of people having some symptoms of the condition.

Some people don’t know why they feel out of sorts, they don’t know what to do or how to ask for help. Although there is no specific diagnostic test for the illness, Seasonal Affective Disorder seems to develop from inadequate bright light during the winter months.

Key in the prevention of seasonal affective disorder is regular exposure to light that is bright, particularly fluorescent lights, significantly improves depression in people with this disorder when it presents during the fall and winter. The light treatment is used daily in the morning and evening for best results. Temporarily changing locations to a climate that is characterized by bright light (such as the Caribbean) can achieve similar results. Light treatment has also been called phototherapy. Individuals who suffer from seasonal affective disorder will also likely benefit from increased social support during vulnerable times of the year.

Twenty four years ago this November, my father died of suicide.

After the shock, anger and grief, I learned that he had always felt “depressed” at the beginning of the fall season. It was not a subject my dad ever truly talked openly about. In the note he left behind, he described the overwhelming sense of sadness that came upon him, the need to isolate and the awful thoughts that ran through his mind. At the time he died, SAD and bi-polar were two types of depression that were unique and very misunderstood.

Knowing now what I didn’t know then, I attempt to learn as much as possible about these two debilitating forms of depression. In the 24 years since my father’s death, much more is known about the signs and symptoms of SAD. I wrote the following poem in an attempt to help my 2 sons know and learn about their possible legacy:

My Father’s Mask
I am my father’s son
I wear his pain deep inside
His father’s father handed down the legacy
-Men are strong, men don’t cry-
-We don’t ask for help-
My father battled his demons in silence
Until the inside voices won the war
Even in death the mask he wore was skin-tight
His pain wears me like an old sweater
Now stretched beyond yarn’s memory
Legacy’s gift handed down though time’s lineage
I am my father’s son,
Seeking to break the pathways of the past
Hoping my sons will not wear their father’s mask

- David D.

Astonishing Connections

Our Crisis Line Program operates with a blend of master’s level supervisors and well-trained volunteers. I think of our team as being like a kaleidoscope – beautiful in the diversity of colors and patterns of interaction. With 100 volunteers, we represent an incredible range of experiences and perspectives.

We are united by our training and our common goal – to further Oregon Partnership’s mission in drug prevention and to end substance abuse and suicide by responding to callers with compassion and insight, knowledge and respect. Our life experiences and personalities make up the colorful array of the kaleidoscope.

We are constantly amazed by the way callers seem to magically be connected to the volunteer who somehow has the ability to offer exactly what the caller needed that day. Sometimes the volunteer just sees things from an angle that the caller never considered before, and that makes all the difference. Sometimes the volunteer has something in common with the caller that paves the way for an especially helpful connection. I think of the elderly grandmother who was losing her will to live, reaching a volunteer whose strong connection with her own grandparents motivated her to engage courageously with the caller in a way that helped to rebuild a connection to life. The caller going through a painful break-up reaches the volunteer who found his way to the other side of a similar crisis a few years back. The veteran caller reaches the veteran volunteer who can truly understand and make a needed, life-sustaining connection. The caller in the early stages of recovery from addiction reaches the volunteer with several years of sobriety under her belt.

Our volunteers commit to a full year of service, giving 4 hours of their time each week. When these uncanny connections occur, and we know we helped, it makes it all worthwhile.

–Debbie

Suicide – A Surviving Son’s Story

(Editor’s note: 23 years ago Nick’s father chose to kill himself. That decision has left permanent heartache and trouble for all those left behind. Here is Nick’s story)

When I was almost 3, my father killed himself. Although I have come a long way since then, his loss has been a constant uphill battle that unfortunately will always be part of my life.

When I was younger, I was never really able to deal with my emotions of anger, sadness, and loneliness in a healthy way. I grew up an angry kid; I would get into fights and punch holes in walls and although my mom constantly tried to get me help, I was never able to really deal with the true pain I felt inside. Even to this day I could never truly understand how a father could leave behind three boys, my two half- brothers and me, all of whom were talented, funny, and bright. Besides relying on one another, we all turned to sports as a way of coping and to this day it infuriates me that my dad never once saw me play ball.

Another situation that used to bother me was spending time at my friends’ homes and watching their interactions with their fathers and realizing that this would never be me. One situation that has stayed with me was a time when I was interviewing for application to a private school; during the interview I totally disengaged. On the way home my mother asked what happened and I told her that every kid there had their mother and father to support them and I didn’t feel like I fit in.

I truly never understood how a person could take his own life until I was 15 and all my feelings of anger, frustration, and abandonment resulted in my own attempt at suicide. Fortunately, my mom got me the help I needed and I was able to move on in a positive manner.

Growing up without a father was never easy and there were times in my life that I felt so much pain I couldn’t bear it. This situation has forced me to become an extremely strong person. I’m independent and have worked hard to accomplish goals in my life.

Although I have a great relationship with my mother and brothers, it will never compensate for the pain I have experienced growing up without a dad.

- Nick

Rutgers Student’s Suicide a Call to Action

The death of 18-year-old Rutgers University student Tyler Clementi has become a clarion call to all of us about the real dangers of bullying. He was outed as being gay on the internet and he killed himself.

This clip from Ellen deGeneres is far more eloquent than anything I could write: View Ellen’s Message

If you are struggling with bullying, questions about sexuality or any other issues, call us on the Oregon Partnership Help Line: (800) 923-HELP. The Youth Line is (877) YOUTH 911. Our suicide hot line numbers are (800) 273-TALK or 800 SUICIDE.

Make sure the people you know have these numbers.

There is help and hope.

-Tom

Suicide is Preventable

Suicide.

Such a loaded word…laden with a sense of stigma. One of the main goals when speaking with suicidal individuals and their loved ones is to decrease the feeling of shame that surrounds this act. As crisis line specialists, we believe that suicide can be prevented.

If you suspect that someone you know may be experiencing thoughts of suicide, it’s okay to ask, “How are you doing?” or “Are you alright…you seem kind of down.”

These are invitations that enable the suicidal person to discuss what he is experiencing. This may be the first time that another person may have been so direct with him. The opportunity for the individual to discuss possible suicidal thoughts may serve as a catharsis and offer true relief.

Listen to what the person at risk is saying. Pay attention to the emotions which are swirling under the words. Don’t try to fix her. It’s fine to say “I care.”
Familiarize yourself with some of the warning signs of suicidal behavior: Ongoing depression, a sense of hopelessness, financial and/or relationship issues and a family history of suicide. Other risk factors may include substance abuse and/or gambling.

Encourage your loved one to ask for help; you may find that you also need some emotional support. Asking for assistance may be the first step down the path of breaking the isolation that so frequently is associated with suicidal thoughts and behavior.

At Oregon Partnership our Crisis Line Specialists are trained to offer specific assistance for those folks who are struggling with the act of killing themselves. One goal is to develop rapport as well as an emotional connection. We are willing to walk down that path of darkness and despair…listening to all the pain and hopelessness that the individual is experiencing. Understanding the person’s current situation is essential to being able to offer meaningful assistance.
Hopefully, a safe plan will be developed and appropriate resources will be offered. The person will be offered a follow-up call, most likely scheduled for the same day, in order to ensure that the caller is still safe. This follow up call is significant…it continues to carry the message that we care.

A myth exists that if you talk about suicide to a depressed person you may be “planting the idea in the person’s mind.” In my experience this is completely untrue. If an individual is feeling hopeless and is struggling, chances are good that she has considered this ominous option. So, please don’t be afraid to address the situation.

You could be saving a life.

- Leslie

Oregon Partnership Lifeline: (800) 923-HELP or (800) SUICIDE

Life is Hard – Why Not Be Kind?

I stole the title for my blog today from our Crisis Line Director, Leslie.  It is one of her favorite sayings.

Every day on the crisis lines I witness the power of kindness.

We live in a competitive society and most of us push ourselves pretty hard.  We want to succeed – to do well in school or at work, to fulfill our responsibilities as sons or daughters or parents or friends, to live up to our potential and hopefully grab some portion of the American Dream.  Along the way, we all face challenges.

Our culture celebrates rugged individualism and self-reliance, but the truth is that we need each other.

Multiple studies show that when we have someone we trust, someone with whom we feel safe to share our weakness and vulnerability, we are better able to weather the experiences of pain and loss that are an inevitable part of life’s journey.  The larger our support network, the better off we will be.   Research also shows that, particularly for men, this type of safe connection with a confidant is not so easy to establish and maintain.   A 2006 study by McPherson, et.al. reported that, in 1985, Americans reported having an average of 3 confidants (people to whom they could tell anything); in 2004 that number had dropped to 1.

It can be very scary to say the words, “I’m hurting,” or “I think I have an alcohol problem” or “I’m feeling suicidal” to another person.  Saying those words  can feel like admitting personal failure.  Pride and feelings of shame can seal our lips and keep us in isolation.  Secrecy breeds more pain and desperation.   Our crisis line is confidential and anonymous, which we hope makes it a little easier to take that leap of opening up.

We are a peer-to-peer helpline, so most of the people answering  the phones are volunteers.  They  are here because they care.  They want to give back.  They’ve wrestled with difficult issues themselves and came out whole on the other side.   We offer empathy, compassion, respectful listening, a pathway out of isolation – a net of safety and kindness to catch our callers when they take that risk of reaching out.   We honor the dignity of an honest struggle toward health and bear witness to the pain involved.

From within that fragile and gentle human connection comes hope.

-Debbie